Satire | Campus Scout | Scout travels across America: Las Vegas

Scout is looking for new friends and faces this summer.

Scout would also like to stretch his legs after a turbulent semester – which also included Scout’s liberation from the campus tunnels after 17 years.

As such, Scout will go on a road trip across America: fully vaccinated and well prepared to offer readers the images and sounds that conventional reporters cannot.

Starting with the destination of Los Angeles, Scout hopes to swing west before traveling east and ending his journey either in the Big Apple or – if the New England gatekeepers allow – in Ben Affleck’s hometown. Even so, Scout marches forward.

Scout has always dreamed of a nice short break in France. Enjoy the beautiful sights and sounds of the beautiful landscape. Fine French cuisine, wine and nationalized health care. It was his dream destination for years.

After the UN Human Rights Commission revoked EU citizenship because of alleged links to Russia and Chechnya, Scout has to give up real France. Instead, on his nationwide trip, Scout decided to take a detour to the next best thing: The Paris Las Vegas Hotel & Casino!

Scout’s journey to the city of sin begins with a rough note: Deported from Utah, Scout had to walk around 200 kilometers through the Mojave Desert.

Scout then turned down an Uber amid ridiculous ridesharing price inflation now, but his attempt to download Lyft was abandoned when a thunderous crash could be heard in the distance.

Scout soon passed out and fell to the ground.

Scout suddenly woke up in a doctor’s office and was revealed by a mysterious man that he had been shot in the head and had suffered severe brain damage. Scout sadly turned down the university’s insurance plan, so was quickly directed outside to fend for himself.

With a sweet song in his heart – and continued severe blood loss – Scout went to the local town of Goodsprings, Nevada to meet the locals and feel cultured in desert life.

His trip to the local diner “The Prospector Saloon” was greeted with a view of filthy farmland and devastated neighborhoods, a tragic sight that certainly suggested President Biden was to blame – or could this be the work of the Deep State?

The Great Recession also deprived “The Prospector Saloon” of its typical patrons: cowboys, aliens and Daniel Craig. Once inside, however, Scout enjoyed the local dishes.

Upon entering, Scout ricocheted off into a swirling dust storm as the remaining guests of the saloon audibly loathed Scouts Illinois T-shirts. Scout also heard the drunken, supposedly drunk, scream that this litter was used to “own the Illinois Libs.”

In the storm, Scout sought refuge in the formerly striking houses in the neighborhood – abandoned by the previous recession.

In an abandoned guest house, Scout discovered a makeshift camp of men carrying rusted rifles and apparently wearing Party City safari hats. Scout sat down with the men and asked about their livelihood, inquired about the essence of America in this region and, above all, how far the Las Vegas Strip was.

“To patrol the Mojave, one almost wishes for a nuclear winter,” announced one soldier discreetly, “it was a long tour, now all I can think of is going home.”

Instead of helping a disoriented journalist, these men insisted they were infantry for the New California Republic.

When Scout questioned their views on the impending recall of Governor Gavin Newsom, they wore puzzled faces and accused Scout of either being a member of the Caesar’s Legion or being undercover for the Deep State.

When Scout announced that he was booked for the Paris Las Vegas Hotel & Casino, the men pounced on Scout in what Scout perceives to be a jealous rage – causing him to climb north of Goodspring.

A street sign painted to promote New Vegas caught his attention during his trip north, and Scout envisioned what new attraction would be built in town to cause such a dramatic rebranding.

On this crazy road, Scout was approached by a eight-foot-tall lizard creature with black eyes and massive claws. Scout sat down and asked the creature what his opinion was about the decay of the local infrastructure and whether the American spirit here might be “economically fearful”?

Then Scout’s legs were torn off and thrown a hundred yards down the street by the screeching creature. Scout noted that the aggressive, local mannerisms afflicting the press were an unfortunate continuation of the right-wing hostility towards “mainstream media”.

Although Scout maintains independent and neutral reporting, the press is still wistfully suppressed.

Scout concluded that he would never make it to his next best Paris: what a shame, a $ 300 hotel cancellation fee. But Scout was not going to stall in his quest to travel further to the real America.

The California border wasn’t far, and Scout was eagerly awaiting the adventure that the Golden State had to offer.

Scout lovingly recommends Nevada to those looking for interesting local culture and fascinating wildlife. Nonetheless, Scouts continues the hunt for the real America; The search continues.

* Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing. *

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